Crying as I'm typing this. I apologise for my grammar and clarity in advance.
I started studying at around late April. I just finished Uni and had decided to take the summer off to work at my part-time job that gives me very minimal hours and study for the LSAT alongside. I had wanted to take the Sept test and apply this cycle. But here's the thing.
I have ADD/ ADHD and my focus is honestly straight trash. I have the option to take medicine for it but when I do, it doesn't work effectively and it makes me lose all appetite and to be fixated really, really hard on one thing, so that I won't be able to get much done at all and will be frustrated, hungry, tired, and angry at the end of the day.
Throughout my Uni years, I've learned that the more I occupy my day, the more effectively I work and the better my mood is. But now with school being over, and me working anywhere from only 6-9 hours a week, I have the majority of my time free. And when this happens, I tend to waste it, self loathe, and then spend 3 hours a day actually studying for the test. Even during these 3, precious hours, I would stress about how incompetent I am for getting questions wrong, making stupid mistakes, and not being able to figure out how to diagram properly (currently on LG portion of CC). When I realise how much studying time has already passed and how much work I've only accomplished, I get really upset and this carries on to the next day. Then the cycle repeats.
I'm currently already 2 weeks behind on my schedule. I have no idea how I'm going to catch up, where I'm going to find the motivation to even get any work done, how I'm going to be as competent as a lot of you are on this site before test day, and how on earth I would be able to get into my dream school and become a successful lawyer I've dreamt of becoming. I have questioned my temperament and capabilities throughout my journey so far for many times. I asked myself how on earth would someone like me make a good lawyer if I'm not even capable of getting myself together to write one test, and how the hell would I even amount to anything if I don't even have the drive to succeed anymore. At this point, I'm honestly on the brim of giving it all up.
I did 4 years of uni back to back, without taking a single term off, because I have always hated down time. And taking time away from school would mean moving back with my family, and trust me when I say they're not nice to me and a majority of my issues came from them.
Before these 4 years, I took a year of uni at another school that I ended up hating. Many things happened that year that led me to spend the entire 4-month summer after that year almost entirely at home. I saw my mental health decline shortly after I first transferred to my current school, while I have had long stretches of time throughout these 4 years where I felt capable and energised, the majority of the time I was in a horribly dark place and I think I'm in it again right now.
I know that I am mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally not in the right spot to start the gruesome journey that is LSAT and expect to get a good score in this state of being. However, I'm terrified of the idea of taking a whole year off. My degree wouldn't allow me to get any decent job, and the longer I stay out of school, my gut tells me that the less I would want to or would have the motivation to get back into school, if you know what I mean. And plus, I have already purchased the ultimate+ package and I really don't want to waste it.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm hoping to get from posting this. I'm just feeling really, really down and I've been very, very frustrated at myself. My uni convocation is next week, and I find it really depressing that I don't feel a speck of joy for having made it through 5 years of uni alive. Oh, and my part-time job is ending in July, because the place closes down for 1.5 month in the summer. I work with older women who are all mothers, and to be honest, they have given me more love than I have ever given myself or have gotten from my actual family. Losing that support network is going to be tough on me. So, more to say that I have no idea how I'm going to get through this summer in the right mindset and actually be productive, make myself proud, and take my life to a place where I want it to be.
I don't know how you guys do it. Or maybe it's just because I'm just really lacking in character. Or perhaps this career path just isn't for me?
Sorry for the long rant. I feel slightly better now. I'm open to any words of wisdom.
Thanks.
Q20 killed me.