Maybe a burn out/timing issue I'd suggest just reading more in your free time and see if you improve!

Comments caught all grammatical things in my opinion, so besides that, your essay has the potential to bring someone to tears - especially with just a tad more visual language. Very touching. Well done and I'm very glad you chose this path.

Any law school admissions person will tell you that they hate seeing an applicant who has no work history but took a gap year solely to study for the LSAT. They will value the fact you have experience! Try to let your job know that you are studying (since its in the legal field, they'll understand) just so they can be aware and maybe even accommodate you.