Comments caught all grammatical things in my opinion, so besides that, your essay has the potential to bring someone to tears - especially with just a tad more visual language. Very touching. Well done and I'm very glad you chose this path.
"What I learned from those hearings is that understanding someone’s story is its own form of advocacy."
This sentence here above is really, really good!
father's cousin's sister
"For the first time, the difficulties of my upbringing didn't make me feel fragmented as a person, but instead useful."
"Listening to him, I was quickly reminded of what it means to come from a place where..."
"...but because they revealed how oftentimes the hardships of those who have fallen victim to such systemic barriers stem from the same issue (you might want to reiterate the issue here).
I think your essay overall is strong and tells a beautiful story. ~
"The same experiences that once made me feel fragmented between two identities..."
I'm not sure exactly what ELD means but I'm presuming it means like remedial classes.
"At home, my family and I only spoke Punjabi because my parents..."
"Even the lunch I brought home made it difficult for me to fit in..." OR "Even the lunch I brought exposed me"
"I sensed that there was another aspect to my story that didn't fully make sense to me at the time."
By the way, I'm a former college admissions counselor if that matters at all. Lol. Either way, the essay reads well and should make a good impression on any former admissions officer! The very best of luck to you! : )
I'm a better word-by-word editor, so most of these will be minor style edits. Obviously, someone could reasonably disagree with me on a few items, and you should feel free to leave anything unchanged that you like.
"father's cousin's sister" <-- missing a possessive
"parents being different" is there a better word than "being"? Something more specific about what made them different?
"insisting she was my real mother" there might be a better word than "insisting." I don't know if you're going for a struggled or jarring tone with that phrase.
Paragraph 1, last sentence is a little bit lofty. What is the "truth" referring to? Have you made it clear enough that there was a question in your mind? I know you said "confused," but I might be a little more specific.
"iPhones; I" replace ; with .
"when mine rang"
"small and heavy" replace with "small but heavy"
spell out "ELD." I had to look it up myself.
The ELD paragraph. The 2nd sentence doesn't follow logically from the first. Consider a sentence between the two sentences to bridge the gap.
"Things didn't come together for me" consider changing the word "things" or changing the phrase entirely.
"sharp recognition of what it means..." first, "sharp recognition" is a little bit cheesy. Consider using a damper word than "sharp" unless that's actually what you mean. I also wouldn't say "I felt X" but rather "X came over me" and you gain some kind of clarity, make a connection. From the way the essay reads, you discover that the problem with India and the country of your firm's client is that its institutions were designed without the citizen in mind. I would say that.
You say, "I felt a sharp recognition of what it means to come from a place where the systems meant to protect you often fail you instead." You never said what it what that thing is. What does it mean to come from a place where...?
"His voice trembled in the same way my mother’s used to when she called from America, asking to speak to the child who didn’t yet understand she belonged to her." an absolutely brilliant sentence.
"those voices" is the first time you bring up any nameless voices. Consider "the voices in my head" etc.
"their stories" whose stories? The stories of immigrants/refugees?
"fear that follows you" consider removing "you" or removing "you" and adding "close by" or "quickly" or something of that nature.
"hadn’t felt in years: seen, steady, and certain that I could make a meaningful difference in people's lives." Had you not felt it in years, or had you never felt it at all? When did you feel it? It doesn't matter to the arc of the essay, but saying "hadn't felt in years" kind of comes out of nowhere.
"Meaningful difference in people's lives" it just doesn't flow logically from the story. Did you personally do something for him that taught you that you have that ability? Or did it just give you the strongest desire you could every possibly describe to do good with the law?
"Growing up between families, languages, and countries taught me how to listen closely—how to hear what people mean even when they struggle to say it." Another brilliant sentence.
"i had watched" replace "watched" with "witnessed" or a similar word
"I’m ready for the rigor of legal training because I’ve already learned how to keep showing up, how to learn from uncertainty, and how to make steady progress toward something larger than myself." Your conclusion doesn't tie into any other part of the entire essay. It's tough because 99% of your essay is "why law" and the last sentence is "and here's why I'm certain that I can be successful in law school." I'm honestly not sure how to solve that except to say something about how strong your desire is for success so you can be an agent for benefit throughout a career.
Genuinely, your essay is magnificent. You have lived an awesome life and will be a great lawyer.
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8 comments
Comments caught all grammatical things in my opinion, so besides that, your essay has the potential to bring someone to tears - especially with just a tad more visual language. Very touching. Well done and I'm very glad you chose this path.
"What I learned from those hearings is that understanding someone’s story is its own form of advocacy."
This sentence here above is really, really good!
father's cousin's sister
"For the first time, the difficulties of my upbringing didn't make me feel fragmented as a person, but instead useful."
"Listening to him, I was quickly reminded of what it means to come from a place where..."
"...but because they revealed how oftentimes the hardships of those who have fallen victim to such systemic barriers stem from the same issue (you might want to reiterate the issue here).
I hope this helps you. : )
I think your essay overall is strong and tells a beautiful story. ~
"The same experiences that once made me feel fragmented between two identities..."
I'm not sure exactly what ELD means but I'm presuming it means like remedial classes.
"At home, my family and I only spoke Punjabi because my parents..."
"Even the lunch I brought home made it difficult for me to fit in..." OR "Even the lunch I brought exposed me"
"I sensed that there was another aspect to my story that didn't fully make sense to me at the time."
By the way, I'm a former college admissions counselor if that matters at all. Lol. Either way, the essay reads well and should make a good impression on any former admissions officer! The very best of luck to you! : )
I'm a better word-by-word editor, so most of these will be minor style edits. Obviously, someone could reasonably disagree with me on a few items, and you should feel free to leave anything unchanged that you like.
"father's cousin's sister" <-- missing a possessive
"parents being different" is there a better word than "being"? Something more specific about what made them different?
"insisting she was my real mother" there might be a better word than "insisting." I don't know if you're going for a struggled or jarring tone with that phrase.
Paragraph 1, last sentence is a little bit lofty. What is the "truth" referring to? Have you made it clear enough that there was a question in your mind? I know you said "confused," but I might be a little more specific.
"iPhones; I" replace ; with .
"when mine rang"
"small and heavy" replace with "small but heavy"
spell out "ELD." I had to look it up myself.
The ELD paragraph. The 2nd sentence doesn't follow logically from the first. Consider a sentence between the two sentences to bridge the gap.
"Things didn't come together for me" consider changing the word "things" or changing the phrase entirely.
"sharp recognition of what it means..." first, "sharp recognition" is a little bit cheesy. Consider using a damper word than "sharp" unless that's actually what you mean. I also wouldn't say "I felt X" but rather "X came over me" and you gain some kind of clarity, make a connection. From the way the essay reads, you discover that the problem with India and the country of your firm's client is that its institutions were designed without the citizen in mind. I would say that.
You say, "I felt a sharp recognition of what it means to come from a place where the systems meant to protect you often fail you instead." You never said what it what that thing is. What does it mean to come from a place where...?
"His voice trembled in the same way my mother’s used to when she called from America, asking to speak to the child who didn’t yet understand she belonged to her." an absolutely brilliant sentence.
"those voices" is the first time you bring up any nameless voices. Consider "the voices in my head" etc.
"their stories" whose stories? The stories of immigrants/refugees?
"fear that follows you" consider removing "you" or removing "you" and adding "close by" or "quickly" or something of that nature.
"hadn’t felt in years: seen, steady, and certain that I could make a meaningful difference in people's lives." Had you not felt it in years, or had you never felt it at all? When did you feel it? It doesn't matter to the arc of the essay, but saying "hadn't felt in years" kind of comes out of nowhere.
"Meaningful difference in people's lives" it just doesn't flow logically from the story. Did you personally do something for him that taught you that you have that ability? Or did it just give you the strongest desire you could every possibly describe to do good with the law?
"Growing up between families, languages, and countries taught me how to listen closely—how to hear what people mean even when they struggle to say it." Another brilliant sentence.
"i had watched" replace "watched" with "witnessed" or a similar word
"I’m ready for the rigor of legal training because I’ve already learned how to keep showing up, how to learn from uncertainty, and how to make steady progress toward something larger than myself." Your conclusion doesn't tie into any other part of the entire essay. It's tough because 99% of your essay is "why law" and the last sentence is "and here's why I'm certain that I can be successful in law school." I'm honestly not sure how to solve that except to say something about how strong your desire is for success so you can be an agent for benefit throughout a career.
Genuinely, your essay is magnificent. You have lived an awesome life and will be a great lawyer.