Please help me with this sentence :)

mwatso89

Hey everyone,

For some reason I am extremely struggling with this one sentence in my personal statement

"However, what began as a slow entrance into addiction had now become full-fledged."

I absolutely HATE this sentence and was wondering if anyone had any advice?

Thank you so much

noonawoon

Hm I think re-evaluate what you are trying to say. It sounds like you want to talk about a more minor addiction becoming more serious/full-fledged. I would focus on the size/seriousness of the addiction rather than "slow entrance." Someone could slowly ease their way into something that is still a large problem/serious.

mwatso89

@noonawoon Thank you so much for your comment. I put the beginning of the paragraph in this comment so you can see what I am trying to get at.

"I remember my first real family emergency. It occurred in October of my second year of university. My fourteen-year-old brother received a letter at the door which stated our home was going into foreclosure, unless we paid in full the amount that was past due. My mother was always in charge of paying the bills and as the child, I felt secure with this arrangement. However, what began as a slow entrance into addiction had now become full-fledged. My mother was too deep in her addiction to pay the bills "

Please note this is very rough and not fully edited yet. Just the gist.

noonawoon

I would recommend mentioning that your mother experienced addiction before that "however" sentence. It's not clear who has addiction until the final sentence, so a little confusing. Would read a lot smoother with that context before

Law and Yoda

@mwatso89 I’m no editor nor have I ever edited anyone’s writing but just wanted to share a super rough draft of what you posted above to hopefully give you a hand/idea. Definitely take it with a grain of salt! Also just wanted to commend you for sharing a topic that others may be struggling with in their own lives and unclear as to whether they should write about it or not.

As a child I felt secure in this place I called home, where my mother made sure the lights stayed on and the water was warm. Everything I once felt in this home was stripped with a single word on a piece of paper. In October of “2020” (whatever year this occurred), a foreclosure letter was dropped off to my front door that invoked my very first family emergency. My mother, who once was able to control the things around her became captive to a substance and held hostage by the addiction.