The only reason I'd say change is isn't b/c it's too complicated, but it sounds very "academic." Like someone writing an essay. The PS should be personal. But if your personal voice is like that, or if it goes with your PS, then keep it!
... entails a critique of your essay. We typically begin by telling ... say that you write an essay that just rehashes your r ... , and Z, based on the essay. But we won’t mark ...
... entails a critique of your essay. We typically begin by telling ... say that you write an essay that just rehashes your r ... , and Z, based on the essay. But we won’t mark ...
Anyone need their essay read/edited? I may be able to critique some stuff for those interested. I've already submitted applications but you can still read my personal statement if you wish.