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Hi all, I need some impartial, non-attorney advice.
I've had my personal statement proofread by 3 individuals (two are attorneys and one is my husband (non-attorney, but works at a law firm) and they love the statement but have trouble with the phrase "civil twilight" at the beginning of my statement.
My PS begins as follows:
"It was the beginning of civil twilight when my eyes opened and without much thought I made a very simple decision. I was barely 16 years old when I walked out and decided that I was never coming back. I recall looking down at the clear vials with different color tops littering the elevator floor worrying about the unlocked door, but not much else. As I disappeared down --------- Avenue on that quiet morning, there was no one to witness the beginning of my metaphorical descent into my life."
One person did not know what it meant and did not bother to look up and wondered why didn't I use just twilight. Another person had to look up and said that if it comes natural then use it, but if I'm using the phrase to sound good, the use "just before dawn" or something like it. The third person said it sounded like I was trying too hard.
The use civil twilight is not unusual to me because I'm a lit major and I read a lot (I mean really read a lot!). I'm tempted to just go with it...but I also don't want to be stubborn about it and not heed advice. I'm also relunctant to change it because it ties in with my last line of my essay: ("However, I have never taken the worn path and I have never minded the possibility of an unruly dusk.")
What do you guys think?
(1) I'm 46 years old mother of four (3 boys, 1 girl) who attended and graduated from Fordham University with 3.2 GPA while working full-time. I've been working in the legal field for approximately 28 years -- beginning first as a secretary and currently as a paralegal manager.
(2) My age and that I have too many directions to go with my personal statement and I may have a hard time reining it in and writing a coherent statement.
(3) (A) My first idea would be to write about beating the odds: from a 16 year runaway, high school drop out to going back to school at age 25 while working full time in a demanding field while being a mom to 3 young kids. I want to show that I can face the law school challenge head on and fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming an attorney.
(B) My second idea would be to talk about raising my three boys whom are biologically all mine, but look completely different from each other (Hispanic, Caucasian and African American) to the outside world and how because of this Ive had to have "the talk" in different ways and raised each a little differently trying to prepare them for a world who may judge them differently because of the color of their skin, both in a good way and a bad way. Then I think I would like to dovetail into another one of my reasons for becoming an attorney (aside from it being life-long dream) and talk about wanting to become a civil rights attorney to hopefully make a difference -- not only by bringing a little justice, but also by educating all races and demonstrating how even though we might be different on the outside, we have more in common than we realize.