Testing in January and I'm a Mess

firstgenlaw-1

I started studying for the LSAT last January 2021. Two days later, my grandmother in Mexico passed away from COVID (the same day my prep books came in the mail) and I was devastated and am still recovering. I lost four family members to COVID last year. I live in Germany so I couldn't travel abroad to support my family.

I'm PTing in the 170s for the last two months and am taking my third and final test in 2 weeks as I'm applying this cycle. Yesterday I found out my dad and some family members back home in the States tested positive for COVID. I feel like it's happening all over again and I'm trapped in Germany unable to travel as it would put my family at more risk. I need to focus on studying but I feel like...what's the point?

I have two full-rides at University of Arizona and Iowa so I should feel calm but I just feel like giving up. I need to focus but am just losing momentum right when I need it the most.

-Aspiring first-gen lawyer

MazzyStar

First, I want to say I am so sorry for all of the loss you've experienced. I cannot even fathom what that must feel like, especially being so far from home. It's huge that you have been able to even study at all through all of that, let alone get those types of scores! Recognize that, you should be proud of yourself and remember to be kind to yourself.
I am also writing in January, and though I have not experienced your level of loss mixed with that kind of distance from those I love, I've dealt with other types of struggles this year stemming from Covid and it's been quite the journey (I'd venture to say many people have had some struggles this year that they didn't expect to throw such a wrench in their plans). Anyways, it's also been causing some struggles for me in motivation and focus for a test that's just a few days away and that's so important as it's the last go for 2022 admission. Personally, I've been journaling lots lately to remind myself why I am taking this test, and to give myself credit for the work I have done despite the obstacles that have come my way, instead of being hard on myself, and trying to remind myself that it's just a test. If it doesn't work out, I will be devastated, but I will make it through that and figure things out because I've been doing that all year. Reading my thoughts when I'm having a low moment works for me, personally.
I know it's not the exact situation you are experiencing, but maybe sharing might help you shift your perspective or apply what you need to your own experience. You wrote that you're first gen- so am I That comes with it's own pressure. As hard as it must be for you and your family members to be apart from one another, I am sure both those who are present and those you have lost along the way are very proud of you and would want to see you succeed, whatever that means for you!
Sending you lots of love and positivity. Remember to give yourself a few days rest before the test. Hang in there!