Have I been approaching this wrong? Really depressed and frustrated.

wngdwaf_1

Crying as I'm typing this. I apologise for my grammar and clarity in advance.

I started studying at around late April. I just finished Uni and had decided to take the summer off to work at my part-time job that gives me very minimal hours and study for the LSAT alongside. I had wanted to take the Sept test and apply this cycle. But here's the thing.

I have ADD/ ADHD and my focus is honestly straight trash. I have the option to take medicine for it but when I do, it doesn't work effectively and it makes me lose all appetite and to be fixated really, really hard on one thing, so that I won't be able to get much done at all and will be frustrated, hungry, tired, and angry at the end of the day.

Throughout my Uni years, I've learned that the more I occupy my day, the more effectively I work and the better my mood is. But now with school being over, and me working anywhere from only 6-9 hours a week, I have the majority of my time free. And when this happens, I tend to waste it, self loathe, and then spend 3 hours a day actually studying for the test. Even during these 3, precious hours, I would stress about how incompetent I am for getting questions wrong, making stupid mistakes, and not being able to figure out how to diagram properly (currently on LG portion of CC). When I realise how much studying time has already passed and how much work I've only accomplished, I get really upset and this carries on to the next day. Then the cycle repeats.

I'm currently already 2 weeks behind on my schedule. I have no idea how I'm going to catch up, where I'm going to find the motivation to even get any work done, how I'm going to be as competent as a lot of you are on this site before test day, and how on earth I would be able to get into my dream school and become a successful lawyer I've dreamt of becoming. I have questioned my temperament and capabilities throughout my journey so far for many times. I asked myself how on earth would someone like me make a good lawyer if I'm not even capable of getting myself together to write one test, and how the hell would I even amount to anything if I don't even have the drive to succeed anymore. At this point, I'm honestly on the brim of giving it all up.

I did 4 years of uni back to back, without taking a single term off, because I have always hated down time. And taking time away from school would mean moving back with my family, and trust me when I say they're not nice to me and a majority of my issues came from them.

Before these 4 years, I took a year of uni at another school that I ended up hating. Many things happened that year that led me to spend the entire 4-month summer after that year almost entirely at home. I saw my mental health decline shortly after I first transferred to my current school, while I have had long stretches of time throughout these 4 years where I felt capable and energised, the majority of the time I was in a horribly dark place and I think I'm in it again right now.

I know that I am mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally not in the right spot to start the gruesome journey that is LSAT and expect to get a good score in this state of being. However, I'm terrified of the idea of taking a whole year off. My degree wouldn't allow me to get any decent job, and the longer I stay out of school, my gut tells me that the less I would want to or would have the motivation to get back into school, if you know what I mean. And plus, I have already purchased the ultimate+ package and I really don't want to waste it.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm hoping to get from posting this. I'm just feeling really, really down and I've been very, very frustrated at myself. My uni convocation is next week, and I find it really depressing that I don't feel a speck of joy for having made it through 5 years of uni alive. Oh, and my part-time job is ending in July, because the place closes down for 1.5 month in the summer. I work with older women who are all mothers, and to be honest, they have given me more love than I have ever given myself or have gotten from my actual family. Losing that support network is going to be tough on me. So, more to say that I have no idea how I'm going to get through this summer in the right mindset and actually be productive, make myself proud, and take my life to a place where I want it to be.

I don't know how you guys do it. Or maybe it's just because I'm just really lacking in character. Or perhaps this career path just isn't for me?

Sorry for the long rant. I feel slightly better now. I'm open to any words of wisdom.

Thanks.

alumivacui

Yeah. Quit. It's all over. You're doomed for failure. Destined to work as a Walmart greeter (no offence to all my fellow greeters out there)

Or, perhaps don't try to be so hard on yourself. Much like you I struggle with ADHD and it has made my studying... interesting to say the least. However, I've come to stop looking at the study schedule as the holy scripture. Fuck that. Instead, I mapped out a plan for me.. by me... and incorporated the CC into that plan. What does this mean you ask? Well I'm glad you did! The CC isn't a checklist. When you finish the CC you aren't ready to take the test... hell nah, the CC is just your introduction to the material. So introduce yourself to what you want, when you want, for how long you want. If you're doing LR and struggling and come to a point where continuing to do it won't benefit you, move on! come back to it!

My biggest struggle thus far has been staying consistent with my studying. For, like you said, the responsibility is all on me. It's my choice to study. I'm studying for me. I'm not studying for a test in Uni where I am forced to do so. I'm studying for some imaginary test that I'm supposed to take in several months. SEVERAL MONTHS. But, I've come to realise, that I NEED to have myself invested in that. I cannot look at it as being several months away. I need to make it feel like it's tomorrow. I need to be invested in my studying... so, I look at my law school I want to attend. I interact with other people who push me and challenge. I try to use everything I have learnt and am continuing to learn in my day to day life so that I may continue to learn it.. and internalise it.

They call the LSAT a monster. A beast. But you know what else they called a beast? SHREK. But Orgres are like onions. Made of layers. Peel those layers back. Take the time to get to know this ogre and you'll come to realise that perhaps it isn't so bad. And suuuure it's likely that you'll get dissuaded, probably cry, and lord knows what else as you peel back all those layers. But you know what happens once you reach the middle? You know what awaits you? I heard--and don't quote me-- that once we finally peel all these layers back, there exists the seed of truth and knowledge of all that is the LSAT. And boy oh boy do I hope that this is true.

P.s.

You know if you're struggling and you know if you're burning out. You know if your frustrated and you know if your thriving. You know if you're bored and you know if you wanna just give up. You know you. So trust yourself. Trust that you know yourself well enough to guide yourself through this tough time. And, in the times that you waiver, and feel like all hope is lost, come, find a friend on these forums, and realise you aren't alone, nor do you have to be.

--the ramblings of a guy finishing his studying @ 4am because he procrastinated most the night

AutumnMoon88

I think you're being too hard on yourself. It's good you know what your strengths and weaknesses are; you can work with them and not let them control you. Given that you feel better with a fully scheduled day, I would start by scheduling your day. Treat studying like a job and have set hours that you will go to the library/coffee shop/anywhere and study for that time period. Then schedule your lunch break, add in a workout in the morning/afternoon/evening and schedule in something you enjoy as well (shop for a couple hours/get a new part-time job that gives you a few hours/anything you like). I know it's hard to feel trapped in a house that isn't helping you (or worse: making you feel bad) but hopefully it's temporary. If you spend most of the day outside keeping your own self-created schedule, you can minimize the amount of time you spend under that influence. You can do it!!

nycgal90

I just wanted to say that I completely feel for you, having been in the same situation of feeling hopeless/incompetent/not smart enough, etc. I spent the majority of my high school and college days focused on all the wrong things and having low self-esteem, and as a result I barely graduated college and got a degree that I discovered was not very relevant in the real world. I took me 5 years out of college to realize that I was tired working a lame job and that it was time for me to finally buckle down and take the LSAT, as going to law school was an idea I had toyed with for years but always told myself I was wasn't good enough for.

I studied what I thought was an acceptable amount at the time, about a month and a half before the test (how naive of me lol) I got a 144. Once again, I gave up and told myself I wasn't good enough, and this was proof. And then I realized that I had never given it my all. I started doing more research and discovered there were people that were so dedicated they took all the practice tests LSAC ever released (I took 2). There were people that studied for years in order the achieve the score they wanted. And here I was complaining and wallowing in my misery about my low score. Well, that's because I didn't actually try very hard and that's why. Yes, there are people that are naturally better at logic games but I was the kind of person that never picked up a strategy game or puzzle in my life so naturally I would have to work harder at it.

I ended up taking this year off from work to study full-time. I admit there are many times that I goofed off, binged watched Netflix, had a good cry about what I was doing with my life. But I think what worked for me is just having the mental discipline to just sit down and study, whether I felt motivated or not. Every day that I study, I almost feel slapped in the face when it takes me half an hour to do one logic game, and I want to give up. But having a growth mentality is key, and understanding that you are capable of anything you put your mind to. Your abilities are not set in stone. You won't always feel motivated, but discipline to do what is necessary is what will get you through this. Know that you're not alone. Know that you are capable. Set a study schedule and stick to it. And of course reward yourself a little everyday with what makes you happy, for me that's a little bit of Netflix at night and some ice cream. And the next day, get right back into it. Let's do this together!