The fastest way to improve your writing is to eliminate clutter. Read over your essay and bracket everything unnecessary [or redundant], just as I’ve done in this sentence. Sometimes you’ll bracket individual words or short phrases. Look for tacked-on infinitives (“I hope [to begin] to address”), adverbs that carry the same meaning as their verbs (“I [hurriedly] ran”) and timid qualifiers (“It was [a bit] like,” “[In a sense,] I was”). Other times, you’ll bracket sentences or whole paragraphs that explain what doesn’t need to be explained.
I prefer brackets to strike-throughs because brackets feel less final. You can decide later whether to delete the bracketed words.
Note that this lesson owes a lot to the chapter “Clutter” in William Zinsser’s On Writing Well.
Exercise: Bracketing Words
Add brackets to these sentences, then click “Our edit.”
1.
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Law school will enable me to utilize societal and institutional tools to combat some of the entrenched patterns of socio-economic inequality.
Our edit
Law school will enable me to (utilize societal and institutional tools to) combat (some of the entrenched patterns of) socio-economic inequality.
↓
Law school will enable me to combat socio-economic inequality.
“To utilize societal and institutional tools” is definitely unnecessary. Depending on the context, you may want to keep “entrenched patterns of.”
2.
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I found it seemed second nature that I could understand the sometimes very convoluted language that was used.
Our edit
I found (it seemed second nature) that I could understand the (sometimes very) convoluted language( that was used).
↓
I found that I could understand the convoluted language.
3.
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The blinds were drawn and the AC was on high as I quickly shuffled into a dimly lit, well-refrigerated board room.
Our edit
The blinds were drawn and the AC was on high as I (quickly) shuffled into a dimly lit(, well-refrigerated) board room.
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The blinds were drawn and the AC was on high as I shuffled into a dimly lit board room.
“Quickly” actually contradicts the verb “shuffled.” If you wanted to convey the speed with which you moved, you could change the verb: “I hurried into the board room.”
4.
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My initial realization that I wanted to become a lawyer came late in life, although reflecting back on my life, I see that I have always been in preparation to becoming a great attorney.
Our edit
My initial realization that I wanted to become a lawyer came late in life, although (reflecting back on my life,) I see that I have always been in preparation( to becoming a great attorney).
↓
My initial realization that I wanted to become a lawyer came late in life, although I see that I have always been in preparation.
You could also rephrase this one to make it more firm and specific: “I realized that I wanted to be a lawyer when I was twenty-six.”
5.
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The documentary inspired me so much I began to cry, and I realized that I wanted to be able to get involved to help make changes in laws within our society.
Our edit
The documentary inspired me so much I began to cry, and I realized that I wanted to (be able to get involved to help) make changes (in laws) within our society.
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The documentary inspired me so much I began to cry, and I realized that I wanted to make changes within our society.
This sentence would also benefit from more specificity: “The documentary inspired me so much I began to cry, and I realized that I wanted to help change mandatory minimum sentencing laws.”
6.
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I truly appreciate how these languages make the linguistic connection between human rights and law, since the promotion of increased rights for Middle Eastern women is the main driving force behind my ambition to become a lawyer.
Our edit
I (truly) appreciate how these languages make the (linguistic) connection between human rights and law, since the promotion of (increased )rights for Middle Eastern women is the (main) driving force behind my ambition to become a lawyer.
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I appreciate how these languages make the connection between human rights and law, since the promotion of rights for Middle Eastern women is the driving force behind my ambition to become a lawyer.
This whole sentence could be rephrased: “I appreciate how these languages connect the concepts of human rights and law, for I’m interested in the law as a tool to protect human rights.”
Exercise: Pruning Paragraphs
These two paragraphs come at the beginning of an essay. Try combining them into one short paragraph. Cut, rearrange, and add transitional phrases as necessary.
Our Edit
As I exited the classroom, I watched in horror as the ramekin containing my chocolate soufflé began to slide, piercing the outline of piping chocolate and smearing raspberry coulis across the plate. My instructor remained quiet as she watched me place my ruined dessert on the table. A few minutes later, she turned over a score sheet with a failing grade. “You’ve got one last shot to retest,” she said. “Otherwise you’ll go back to your unit for failing to meet course standards.” There was nothing to do but focus on my second chance.
Words that can usually be eliminated
- Truly (“I
truly believe”)
- Noticeable / noticeably (“That
noticeably improved”)
- Personal (“She was my
personal guide”)
- Unique (“It was a
unique chance”)
- The “ever” in “first-ever” (“I helped to start the first
-ever yodeling slam at Haverford College.”)
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